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I love a road trip. But even for me, four 9 hour drives in two weeks might be too many.
You could be excused for thinking that the worst part was the 65 dead kangaroos. Or the 5 dead foxes. It could even have been the dubious public toilets or serial killery motels.
But no, that was not it.
I’m calling it the Waynometer. Yes that’s right. You heard me. All road trips will now be judged not by the scenery or the quantity of roadkill, but by the number of Waynes out there. You know Wayne right? Wayne Kerr? I introduced the concept to Sherry and Bob a few years back in Lebanon Ohio. In that case it was in relation to frisbee players who called alot of unnecessary fouls.
Another type of Wayne is the bloke at the bar who feels up women. There was a time recently in Melbourne when I thought I had a sign on my head encouraging unwanted touching. There was also Wayne in Vegas that I had to get kicked out of the Duelling Piano Bar. Note to all Waynes. Never, ever ruin Tina’s night at the Times Square Bar in Vegas. It is her favourite bar in the whole world. Also just be less creepy.
But the term Wayne is most relevant to terrible drivers. In Atlanta I described them as people who drive like they are in a stolen car being chased by the police.
In Australia, Waynes can be found everywhere. For example, two Waynes drove past me on the freeway out of Melbourne, driving at 40km an hour over the speed limit, racing each other with me stuck in the middle, clutching the wheel like an anxious Nanna.
The typical behaviour of Wayne is to weave in and out of traffic, across lanes, making sure to come within an inch of every other car as they pass.
Wayne often drives a doof doof car. A doof doof car is always playing loud music that sounds like ‘doof doof’, has a spoiler on the back and wheels that look like they have been jacked from a monster truck.
They usually have a stupid number plate. For example I met this Wayne on my trip to Parkes last week.
That Wayne was obviously dreaming about being the top dog. He couldn’t fit SHITFORBRAINS on there. Or maybe couldn’t spell it.
The key thing to know about Waynes is that you have to say goodbye, everytime they fly past. Chances are they will run into the nearest tree.
